For 2009, I'm working on being humble. This is not going to be a phase of subtle false modesty, "...what this old thing?". No, this time, I'd like to break my addiction to seeking praise and acclaim completely - become independent of the good opinion of others. I want to do what I need to do without being afraid that it just won't cut it. I don't want to simply repeat the mantra that I am enough just as I am, I want to experience this truth live itself out through my actions.
At first, I held this intention purely in my head, letting myself serve some whatever purpose naturally presented itself. I felt a little like I was floating on air - I felt serene. I imagined myself as some kind of Saint Thérèse, embracing the simplicity of the "Little Way". Ya Cool. I was on my way to expressing the greatest humbleness EVER!!
Then, quite suddenly, I started to feel an awkward subservience to those around me... Why didn't they notice and remark about how fantastically humble I had become!?!? Yep. Back to square one.
If you canvased the kids in my daughter's grade two class about what they wanted to be when they grow up, most of the girls would declare that the life of a pop star was in their future, and a majority of the boys would report upcoming careers in the NHL. These things represent the epitome of success to them. Celebrities must be so defined because they are the Best, and being the Best means never having to say your sorry. The end justifies the means. And if you are the Best you can be a nasty piece of work and everyone can't help loving you anyway - you are a legend.
Even as adults we dream of being the Best. Why do we feel encouraged to set our expectations ever higher, often leading to feelings of inadequacy? While there seems to be nothing spiritually wrong with a regression toward mediocrity, it's just not something that we tend to aspire to. Despite dreams of sky rocketing, most of us eventually drift into something sensible and continue go with the flow. But secretly, we wonder... what would it be like to be on top of the world?
Over the holidays I began, once again, to read the Tao Te Ching; a 2500 year old spiritual text written by Chinese philosopher Lao Tse. This spiritual adept is regarded alternately as a legitimate historical figure from 4th century BC, a mere mythical character, or a Taoist God.
"Taoism" can be a philosophical school based on the texts of the Tao Te Ching; or "Religious Taoism" which includes a the Chinese folk religion. The texts are written in an antiquated form of Chinese that is difficult to translate, so there are a lot of varying interpretations centering around the Tao's main concepts of compassion, moderation, and humility. Taoist theology emphasizes ideas such as naturalness, vitality, peace, "effortless action", emptiness, detachment, the strength of softness (or flexibility), receptiveness, spontaneity, and the relativism of human ways of acting of speaking.
Verse 13 in particular has been on my mind, and I've been re-reading it in a few different translations. I had trouble choosing which one to quote here, but settled on a modern version by Archie J. Bahm, Frederick Ungar Publishing, (1958).
"Pride and shame cause us much fearful anxiety. But our inner peace and distress should be our primary concerns.
"Why do pride and shame cause us so much fearful anxiety? Because: Pride attaches undue importance to the superiority of one's status in the eyes of others; And shame is fear of humiliation at one's inferior status in the estimation of others. When one sets his heart on being highly esteemed, and achieves such rating, then he is automatically involved in fear of losing his status. Then protection of his status appears to be his most important need. And humiliation seems the worst of all evils. This is the reason why pride and shames cause us so much fearful anxiety.
"Why should our inner peace and distress be our primary concerns? Because: The inner self is our true self; so in order to realize our true self, we must be willing to live without being dependent upon the opinions of others. When we are completely self-sufficient, then we can have no fear of disesteem.
"He who wisely devotes himself to being self-sufficient, and therefore does not depend for his happiness upon external ratings by others, is the one best able to set an example for, and to teach and govern, others."
I'm always surprised (though I shouldn't be I guess) when I hear an artist, actor or musician I admire say that they don't really feel "cool enough", or when they wonder out loud if they will ever do anything that they will be truly proud of. It shocks me a little, yet also makes me feel better about those same feelings I struggle with.
"Hard to be soft, tough to be tender." Here's a wonderful interview with Emily Haines of Metric.
