Studio V has moved!

I created a new site in Drupal with a blog that I will update once in a while... = )

http://www.vanessaturke.net/

~Vanessa

One Degree of Change Sustained...

The definition of sustainable development is , "development that "meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs." ~ From Wikipedia

For the first time I can remember, the lower-mainland dump towers over the farmland and trees surrounding it, glowing eerily at night and constantly surrounded by masses of swirling gulls. For the third year in a row I have remarked on the precise moment I could see the tiniest evidence of spring bursting out and mindfully marked the acceleration of green around me. I know I create waste and I know I reuse and recycle. But I'd like to do more good - I'd like to be a strong advocate for people, the earth and truly sustainable technology. I had no trouble thinking up clever plans and dove right in, but quickly found myself overwhelmed by the amount of things that needed changing (and how expensive this can be)!

This April, Earth Day weighed heavily on my mind. As my connection to the earth strengthens through my interest in gardening, and my connection to my community becomes enriched through relationships with those around me, I feel more and more inspired to live a more responsible, greener life to be able to preserve the planet for generations to come. I have already been making simple changes in my life to reflect this, but as always felt that I should "do it right" if I was going to go that direction so that I could make a measurable difference.

William Bridges, a leading expert on transition says that changes are a normal part of life, that they are supposed to be uncomfortable, and that you can learn to use the process as a springboard to making your life better than before. Usually a feeling of frustration and disenchantment lead up to the desire for change, but that doesn't mean it's easy to move on to something better.

Bridges says that, "Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities." But that doesn't mean we can't use a little help from our friends. I know now that I try to do too much on my own, feeling reluctant to ask others for support for "my issue". It delights me how my thoughts and feelings, once expressed to kindred spirits, meet with not only a soft place to land but so often also an army of like-minded sentiment. It not only takes a village, it makes many many villages.

My village of like-minded moms has helped me countless times with stories concerning similar hopes and fears... inspiring moments that raise my spirits or simple advice for practical, yet inspired living. It is true that one degree of change seems too small to make an impact but over a long distance, one degree changes one's course quite noticeably. Deciding to make a change in your life (like to live more sustainably) does not have to turn your life upside down. There are very small changes you can make that will barely be noticeable and will begin to exercise that "green muscle" until before you know it you are able to take on greater and greater challenges. In my own life, the comparison I like is to one of those long wide turns in my car where I've indicated and the blinker never turns off after the turn. The curve was too subtle. True change needs time to integrate into place. You can make the decision and find yourself taking years to put small actions into place so that they can become positive habits.

Bellow you will find a list of small actions provided by a lovely group of intelligent, successful women (who care about doing the right thing by their children) that can begin to exercise those "green muscles":

✰ Keep fabric grocery bags in your car (or a few spares in case you forget your stash)
✰ If you collect compost but get to lazy to take it out (easy in our rainy climate) dump your compost into a plastic grocery bag and put it into the freezer – then put it in the compost when you are feeling up to it (better than not composting at all). OR if you do not have space for a large outdoor compost then get a worm compost (free kit available from most municipalities) – it is very easy and smell free and you can even keep it indoors
✰ If you make several stops in one shopping complex or plaza park once and walk to your different spots – even if it means crossing the street and walking a block or two.
✰ Pack your kids lunches in re-usable containers. There are many different products that reduce or eliminate lunchbox waste. (bentobox lunch kits make it ways to pack soup, sandwich salad, drinks and snacks with no throw away items – nothing for the trash at all.)
✰ Ease into cloth diapering little by little – it is much much easier than you’d think with the latest diaper “innovations”.
✰ Repurpose household recycling into craft material for kids
✰ Keep egg cartons and use them to grow plants from seed
-use vinegar and water in a hand-spray bottle to combat weeds instead of pesticide (watch out – it kills grass too so spray carefully!)
✰ Collect rainwater for irrigation, you can water plants / garden easily from your rain water barrel and possibly even irrigate your lawn) In Vancouver.
✰ Refrain from watering your grass altogether. It will go yellow and look dead but surprisingly it always comes back
✰ Support local farmers at the farmer’s market – almost every community has one – and shop at your local independent shops, even for just a few key products.
✰ Reusing your plastic bags by keeping a couple in your purse/bag. If I forget my reuseable totes, the reused plastic bags are the next best thing.
✰ Drink tap water again or at least have a caraffe of filtered water in the fridge and a refillable flask to taking with you instead of bottled water.

"As for me, going green was very overwhelming - I felt like I wanted to get rid of everything in my home and start over - and this made me come to standstill! I remember talking to [a friend], and she said 'one thing at a time'. And so it has become a long process, and each year I learn a bit more and make more goals for myself... I started with: cleaning products. So, every time I needed something, I would buy green. Pretty soon, all of the chemicals were gone from my cleaning supplies! Then kids bath/health products. Then my own bath/health products. Then I concentrated on becoming a better recycler. Then it was seeing a naturopath. Which led to eating better and using homeopathic rememedies. Then I decided to cloth diaper [my daughter] at age 14 months. Then came composting. And this year is all about my own organic garden."

"So starting slowly worked for me! Taking one goal at a time and recognizing that it all doesn' t have to change immediately. And there is a snowball effect that happens when you start. As you have more questions, you start to seek the knowledge of others who are also experimenting and figure it out together, sharing tips. And I am still far from being as green as I would like!"
~ Ange, mother of two

We often think in an all or nothing approach when it comes to big changes, but as William Bridges says, "Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster." Though we feel as though we are losing something - when we acknowledge this feeling as merely a normal defense mechanism and have patience with ourselves, we can keep chipping away at our goal and before we know it, we've come a long way!

In like a Lion, Out like a Lamb: Gentleness and Precision

I am lying in savasana at the end of Yoga class, breathing deeply. This is prime time for bittersweet thoughts, so I'm on guard - releasing tension and gently nudging those work thoughts out of my mind, to dos, scheduling concerns, twinges of regret... Breathing rhythmically, centering myself again. But sometimes I'm up against something more difficult; occasionally the thought is too brutal for a casual brushing aside. One of the strongest is a memory about savasana itself.

I'm sitting with a very ill friend. She is jaundiced and puffy and I am stumbling though small talk to get over those first moments of seeing her appearance so different than at our last meeting. Slowly we relax a bit and discuss her experience with yoga teacher training during her last months. I offer my insight as to the most relaxing pose... savasana of course... only I call it by it's other name - corpse pose. I say, "I love 'corpse pose'" to my friend who is at deaths door. The room goes silent (well except for the elephant of course). I feel like I'm going to throw up. But I don't. I don't say or do anything except look at the floor for about 4 minutes and resist the urge to run away.

Pema Chodron talks about cultivating precision, gentleness and the ability to let go in meditation practice. It's been almost three years since I said something potentially hurtful to a friend, and I think I might be ready to let go soon.

Along with the juiciness of life come fits of emotional thinking. Not always in the Victorian-lady-hysterically-fainting-on-the-couch way, but in the infectious wash it colours a whole day's worth of thoughts a shade darker. When people overwhelmed with anxiety seek help, they are often taught to examine their thoughts and intercept any poisonous ones. They do this with a home-made mental filter they create by simply paying attention for certain illogical thoughts they may have in reaction to daily events.

Here are examples:
FACT: A friend passes by on the street and doesn't speak to you.
THOUGHT: She/he must be mad at me for something.
FEELING: Anger or frustration.

FACT: The big sales deal you were working on doesn't go though.
THOUGHT: I am a failure.
FEELING: Depressed and dejected.

It is widely accepted that humans function emotionally by processing a fact from our lives by applying a judgment to it and then experiencing an emotion we attach to the judgment. Note that the feelings come directly from the thought, not from the fact. We have little or no control over most facts in our lives yet almost total control over our reactions to them. You always have some degree of choice - and the more you practice separating out the facts from the thoughts and feelings, the better you become at letting things go and feeling, conversely, more in control of your life.

This practice also takes precision and gentleness. Gentleness with yourself as you patiently pursue every stray thought for some kind of unhealthy pattern; precision as you take note of particular distorted thoughts you are prone to. There is a long list of negative thinking patterns, and chances are you use a few of them on a daily basis. Habitually disqualifying the positive, thinking in black and white or over-personalizing events are just a few examples. You can find a complete list at the UBC Leap Site.

When you begin to examine the thought patterns you generate on a daily basis, you can begin to modify them as needed to create a better state of mind, transitioning from doubt and negativity in sensitive areas of your life to an optimistic (or at least a neutral) outlook.

{As my favorite horoscope line of all time goes, "stop sticking carrots in your eye you silly bunny."}

Terra Incognita - The Physics of The Quest

"What is it about the American obsession with productivity and responsibility that makes it so difficult for us to allow ourselves a little time to solve the puzzle of our own lives, before it’s too late?" ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I've been seriously re-examining my life's motivation.

While this sounds very grand and epic, I must admit that I'm not actually ruminating very deeply on my actual "end goal", the proverbial sum total of my life, but rather how I choose to live every bland little moment in-between now and... then.

I'm wondering about what makes me choose to add a particular task to my list - and what makes me execute some of these internal commands in such a brutal fashion? I do work that I love in an environment where we are encouraged to prioritize, reorganize, set goals and work harder & smarter. Is this cruel or unusual? No, not at all. It is natural and admirable. Yet it's in the acting out this task oriented diligence that I'm finding a metal roughness that seems cold and stifling.

During the "Coping Digitally" session at the Northern Voice conference at UBC last weekend, Todd Maffin quipped that above all, society values busyness. I can't agree more. As long as we strive, as long as we dive headlong into our work we can convince ourselves that we are quickly approaching that illusive and infuriating "successful life". It's a delicious combination of harried, almost guilt-free, martyrdom and denial. Yet there is always that niggling feeling that something is still missing, if only there was more efficiency, more discipline, more time.

Sometimes when I encounter people who are tremendously inspiring to others in their field, I wonder how they maintain balance. I often assume that these high octane people driven to excel and accomplish feel as though they have something to prove, that they are accomodating for some perceived short-coming. I have met successful people that were work-acholics, alcoholics or just plain overly self absorbed. But then there are those rare few who seem to be "unencumbered" by pressures of any sort. I feel envy of when encountering either type, but there is a certain amount of satisfaction to be felt when meeting the first type of power-person. Sure they are at the top of their game, but are they happy? Ha! That nice holier than thou sensation is pretty warm and fuzzy... The second kind maintains a cool, casual respectibility whilst pulling off regular feats of utter brilliance (effortlessly?) not seeming to care a flying fig about the opinions of others. This begs the question of whether it truly matters if you are motivated by fear (pushed) or by love (pull). Does the emotion we evoke as we create our lives colour the outcome?

I don't know the scientific answer, but I do know that when I let go and let myself feel the ridiculous utter joy of every silly insignificant moment and trust, simply trust that all is unfolding as it should be, I feel as close to my best self as I have ever have. When I collect a whole day's worth of these silly little moments in my thoughts, they suddenly feel very ripe and profound and I feel wholly grateful for each of them.

In the world of artists, creativity and self imposed suffering have gone hand in hand for centuries. In an entertaining TED speech, author Elizabeth Gilbert explains in how artistry has not always led to anguish talking about how creative people might manage the emotional risk of the creative process not always going as they had planned.



I wonder if we are finally getting a faint whiff, the barest pheromone of an idea that things could be different for us. Different, and yet somehow familiar. (Like maybe this has all happened before and will all happen again?) I'm seeing more articles in mainstream magazines about how to balance our lives. People are interested in how to live self-actualized lives.

Perhaps it is time to take the ego out of the equation entirely, instead of anxiously chasing potential achievements, to begin focusing on living each moment in an infinite rally of inspiration. The cognitive equivalent of truly accepting and loving the one (thought/action) you are with.

Non Sequitur

For 2009, I'm working on being humble. This is not going to be a phase of subtle false modesty, "...what this old thing?". No, this time, I'd like to break my addiction to seeking praise and acclaim completely - become independent of the good opinion of others. I want to do what I need to do without being afraid that it just won't cut it. I don't want to simply repeat the mantra that I am enough just as I am, I want to experience this truth live itself out through my actions.

At first, I held this intention purely in my head, letting myself serve some whatever purpose naturally presented itself. I felt a little like I was floating on air - I felt serene. I imagined myself as some kind of Saint Thérèse, embracing the simplicity of the "Little Way". Ya Cool. I was on my way to expressing the greatest humbleness EVER!!

Then, quite suddenly, I started to feel an awkward subservience to those around me... Why didn't they notice and remark about how fantastically humble I had become!?!? Yep. Back to square one.

If you canvased the kids in my daughter's grade two class about what they wanted to be when they grow up, most of the girls would declare that the life of a pop star was in their future, and a majority of the boys would report upcoming careers in the NHL. These things represent the epitome of success to them. Celebrities must be so defined because they are the Best, and being the Best means never having to say your sorry. The end justifies the means. And if you are the Best you can be a nasty piece of work and everyone can't help loving you anyway - you are a legend.

Even as adults we dream of being the Best. Why do we feel encouraged to set our expectations ever higher, often leading to feelings of inadequacy? While there seems to be nothing spiritually wrong with a regression toward mediocrity, it's just not something that we tend to aspire to. Despite dreams of sky rocketing, most of us eventually drift into something sensible and continue go with the flow. But secretly, we wonder... what would it be like to be on top of the world?

Over the holidays I began, once again, to read the Tao Te Ching; a 2500 year old spiritual text written by Chinese philosopher Lao Tse. This spiritual adept is regarded alternately as a legitimate historical figure from 4th century BC, a mere mythical character, or a Taoist God.

"Taoism" can be a philosophical school based on the texts of the Tao Te Ching; or "Religious Taoism" which includes a the Chinese folk religion. The texts are written in an antiquated form of Chinese that is difficult to translate, so there are a lot of varying interpretations centering around the Tao's main concepts of compassion, moderation, and humility. Taoist theology emphasizes ideas such as naturalness, vitality, peace, "effortless action", emptiness, detachment, the strength of softness (or flexibility), receptiveness, spontaneity, and the relativism of human ways of acting of speaking.

Verse 13 in particular has been on my mind, and I've been re-reading it in a few different translations. I had trouble choosing which one to quote here, but settled on a modern version by Archie J. Bahm, Frederick Ungar Publishing, (1958).

"Pride and shame cause us much fearful anxiety. But our inner peace and distress should be our primary concerns.

"Why do pride and shame cause us so much fearful anxiety? Because: Pride attaches undue importance to the superiority of one's status in the eyes of others; And shame is fear of humiliation at one's inferior status in the estimation of others. When one sets his heart on being highly esteemed, and achieves such rating, then he is automatically involved in fear of losing his status. Then protection of his status appears to be his most important need. And humiliation seems the worst of all evils. This is the reason why pride and shames cause us so much fearful anxiety.

"Why should our inner peace and distress be our primary concerns? Because: The inner self is our true self; so in order to realize our true self, we must be willing to live without being dependent upon the opinions of others. When we are completely self-sufficient, then we can have no fear of disesteem.

"He who wisely devotes himself to being self-sufficient, and therefore does not depend for his happiness upon external ratings by others, is the one best able to set an example for, and to teach and govern, others."

I'm always surprised (though I shouldn't be I guess) when I hear an artist, actor or musician I admire say that they don't really feel "cool enough", or when they wonder out loud if they will ever do anything that they will be truly proud of. It shocks me a little, yet also makes me feel better about those same feelings I struggle with.

"Hard to be soft, tough to be tender." Here's a wonderful interview with Emily Haines of Metric.

Harbinger of Nothing in Particular

"To be an artist is not a matter of making paintings or objects at all. What we are really dealing with is our state of consciousness and the shape of our perception. The act of art is a tool for extended consciousness..." --Robert Irwin

I seem to be on some kind of all-work sabbatical. Not a dull girl at all, but I'm picking expectations off me like ticks. Toiling with my mind and not getting my hands dirty is frustrating - especially when I set my sights on some particular subtle outcome involving a "feeling" about the results of these hours of concentration. What a hair-shirt!

When I gather knowledge it makes me happy to soak it up greedily, for it never seems like a bad thing at the time. My penchant for excitement and drama strips from it any idealistic appeal. I'm a realist at heart. I know that a generalist like me can never hope to approach perfection in any one thing. Not anything that can be demonstrated or that comes with a piece of parchment that proves mastery. I am condemned to an almost exclusively subjective inner experience. And this is what I attempt to record here.

I don't want anything from you. I'm not trying to be funny. I don't have anything to sell you. I do not have the latest breaking news on stocks, stars or technology. There is no-thing, no trick I can try to offer here that isn't duplicated around this web-world in a thousand other ways (nicer looking, better prose, more effective allusions/metaphors and more lofty conclusions).

My hands are empty and I love this feeling at this time of year. I am not Christian, but I celebrate Christmas. Not for the birth of a son of God, but for the rebirth of the light of Spiritus Mundi. Every year when darkness falls it seems a poignant commentary on something in my life and everything around me! It is indeed darkest before the dawn. I find it lovely how the dawn occurs each year whether one is in need of a rebirth of faith in one's life or not. The allegory is not lost on me (just the literal facts).

I am entertained by the way that I can see beauty all around me and not be able to express it to my satisfaction. I love that I find some people's soul so beautiful it pains me... and how I say nothing about it to them or of them. I like the secret. I like the juiciness of that one clear connection that remains unsaid. It is a fully actualized thought that neither whores itself, nor hides itself like a hermit. It's not up to me to draw conclusions, but to let these thoughts fly, unencumbered by judgment.

I'm writing this for me in the way I would trace my name into the sand at East Beach. I heart me. I heart this spicy existence and this imperfect blog. I heart the way I love the darkness of a mind in turmoil, an ordinary day full of ordinary experiences, and the way my reaction to events irks me to craziness. I heart the way I burn bridges, the ruthless way I reject. I heart my unfinished projects (and my ridiculous lust for world domination). And the effort it takes to hit publish. It's not that deep, not that exciting. It's not for anyone's pleasure, this secret post. But that is at the heart of creation: faith in the process.

In each human heart terror survives
The ravin it has gorged: the loftiest fear
All that they would disdain to think were true:
Hypocrisy and custom make their minds
The fanes of many a worship, now outworn.
They dare not devise good for man's estate,
And yet they know not that they do not dare.
~from Percy Bysshe Shelley's Prometheus Unbound

I am Blue Sky

"Your own mind is a sacred enclosure into which nothing harmful can enter except by your permission."

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

I read once, in some spiritually based article about psychology, that our thoughts are clouds over the clear blue sky that is our true inner "self". I like that metaphor. I imagine the constant stream of critical, dark thoughts that arise out of insecurity about our performance, social convention, and self worth swirling ominously around fluffy white pockets of joy.

I often spend the day pummeling my mind with an array of perceived deficiencies which, in turn, make my daily tasks more difficult, prone to misinterpretation and error as they sift through a cluttered web of chemtrails made with half baked intentions and fragmented inspirations.

When I imagine the ever-present storms that my thoughts must create around me, I am struck how my every-day personality must be nearly wholly made up of swirling masses of perceptions, reactions and judgements. I am like the planet Jupiter, made almost entirely of dense thoughts that obscure my elemental core. The world seems too much with me and in reality never touches me at all.

There was a time in my life, from early childhood up until about aged 13 that I lived almost wholly in my imagination. I read fiction voraciously from the time I was seven years old and pulled from these books the characters, settings and plots that were as real to me as any object in the tangible world around me. It may have been caused by unusual amount of solitude I experienced through the ages of five 'till nine.

I can still conjure up, twenty-something years later these familiar vignettes:

• I am a ballooning spiderling, on a veil and a prayer.
• A marooned aviatrix pushing through the boundless Congo jungle.
• I am Nimuë, turning an already swallowed poison into a harmless sweet syrup.
• I am a princess of Amber traveling to Tir-na Nóg'th, Frakir tightened about my wrist.
• I am a Priestess of Avalon, white hand moving swiftly to hide runes in a velvet bag.
• A Bene Gesserit who walks gracefully, yet without rhythm, so not to attract the sandworm.
• I am the only one the Commander trusts to return the stolen microfiche.
• The only one the Black Stallion will let ride.
• The only one who can hear the ghost of the murdered girl howling for revenge.
• The only one who repair the last rocket's engine.

I had a dragon who grew in real time after appearing in my room at age 7, and leaving me to wander off to explore the world after he and I were fully grown. (Julian found me when he was about the size of a German Shepherd and flew off to seek his fortune when he was about the size of a school bus.)

I had fairies and angels that followed me around murmuring inappropriate jokes at inopportune times or giggling and chanting when I was trying to fall asleep. Small creatures that seemingly had no purpose (and no social skills) vied for my attention. And then there were the glowing orbs of light that would swirl around the room as I lay calm and trance-like, sleepless in that endless darkness of a child's experience of night.

All these things faded away over time. Perhaps they were poisoned by my adolescent mind as the attractions of the outer world eclipsed the enchantments of the inner. I remember these things with a smile, shaking my head with relief that I never gave anyone a reason to examine my mental health. Though now as my self actualization develops I am drawn again inward to the pursuits of my imagination. My fantasies are now based on real people and events. A motley group of desires -- writing a book on tropical isle, a pair of boots certain to possess magical powers, something shiny, a gentle soul reaching out, a force as strong as it is kind.

We are stuck between the need for security and a longing for adventure, seeking out entertainment that provides a safe glimpse into a fascinating parallel world. Enjoying a story that plays on the big screen on merely in the mind.

Weapons of Mass Creation

"Our loyalties are to the species and to the planet. We speak for earth. Our obligation to survive and flourish is owed not just to ourselves but also to that cosmos ancient and vast from which we spring!

We are one species!

We are star stuff harvesting starlight!"

~Carl Sagan~

For your consideration... Zeitgeist: Addendum, by Peter Joseph 2008

Or see it here

Waxing Poetic

The Moon,
Like a half-eaten baked brie,
hangs yellow and dripping,
just above the edge of the horizon.

~VCreatrix

Resistance: It's Futile

A a few weeks ago I lay enjoying THE nicest aromatherapy hot stone massage at a local working Lavender Farm. I was intending to relax, but my brain was still tallying and sorting. I may just have been beginning to compose another blog entry about the nature of consciousness and creativity, but I was there to rest, revitalize and clear my mind. My thoughts slowed but did not stop entirely. I remember vaguely contemplating the installation of a couple of volume sliders into my body. One for "thinking" and one for "feeling", and that got me to thinking about resistance...

I tried to focus on my breathing -- trained my awareness on the ebb and flow of the wave of sublimely scented air in the room. This went extremely well for about 1.4 seconds. Did my mind seem louder because my surroundings were quiet, or did it see this as an opportunity to step onto centre stage? When I watch a terrific movie, I lose myself in the show, suspend my disbelief, and "live" in the story for most of the duration of the show. Why is it that so difficult to "check out" and leave my thoughts behind to lose myself in the intensity of the feelings of relaxation?

One of the problems might just be that darned amphibian brain of ours. The one that is constantly aware of impending dangers, searches out symbols for possible threats and reacts. Self preservation depends on the speed of these connections, calculations and reaction. In 1960, Karl Pribram described the basics of motivation as the four "Fs": Feeding, Fighting, Fleeing and Reproduction.

Perhaps intensity is the key. Stimulation junkies that we modern folks are, need to get pretty riled up before their thoughts turn off. (I can think of only a few activities that can generate this effect.)

Stepping out of your regular routine, out of the ordinary, out of your comfort zone... and sometimes even into a zone of total comfort all help keep thoughts in a healthy sphere. Unless of course, you begin to obsess about about your level of performance in a new activity, or have added far too many new things to your old routine without letting something go...

Often, as we work, we ponder vacation. On vacation we can't help worry somewhat about our responsibilities back home. We resist the present moment in favour of thoughts of the future or the past.

A holiday to Shuswap Lake last week had me winding down, but not before cranking up the heat. I had repacked my things into a larger bag at the last minute and neglected a side pocket of unmentionables and my carefully chosen bathing suits. We arrived as the afternoon heat peaked and I rushed to change into my bikini... which was of course back in the bag left at home. I ached with regret and annoyance -- felt not a stoic acceptance of the predicament, but a strong dissatisfaction with it. Ok, I experienced some serious resistance to my immediate situation. I must admit to over-indulging in self pity before settling on the ad hoc solution of grabbing a $10 suit of the rack at Field's at 5 minutes to closing. It looked like a shower curtain from a cheap hotel, (oops there's resistance again) but at least I could take a flying leap into the lake.

I had intended to initiate a more exhaustive search for a better suit the following day; but strangely, the lake beckoned more strongly. Lying on the bow of the boat several hours later, finally allowing myself to unwind and enjoy the pure joy of warm summer breezes, I marveled at how the water sparkled and the clouds drifted and that felt wonderful.

If this was a movie there would follow an inspiring montage (to the music of "I can see clearly now the rain is gone...") Syrupy scenes of Moi, learning to let go... A series of tableaus, would show me struggling awkwardly in a frustrating circumstance before turning my frown upside down after a moment of inspiration and twinkle in my eye. My family and friends would gently remind me and I would not bite off their heads... no, instead I would shug my shoulders and nod knowingly... then we would all laugh out loud like at the end of a kids cartoon.

[Attention idealists: Finish Article Here]

But back at homestead, I'm sitting in a pile of dirty laundry and a long list of "to dos" I'm feeling the tension again. I may have made a sarcastic comment or two about having to do all the dirty work myself. There were most probably several sighs and clicks of the tongue followed by some procrastination and avoidance manefesting as strong desire to first "catch up on news and events" (aka..Brangelina's twins and Facebook).

Sure, it's human nature to focus on what could be rather than what is, but it makes about as much sense as complaining about how gravity keeps pulling everything to the ground. Resistance, yep.

For more advice about avoiding resistance while obeying the laws of physics read: Time Shifting vs Time Management--Stephan Rechtschaffen

Mustard seeds

The messages are all around me. This morning as I dumped Hazelnut Hemp Heaven granola into some yogurt, I spied a flash of yellow from inside the bag. Stuck on the reverse of the label of the clear packaging was a secret note (left just for me by the Granola King) -- only now becoming visible as the contents are emptied out.

It said, "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." ~ Henry David Thoreau

So much of life is gazing at castles in the sky (your own as well as other people's) and feeling a certain degree of discomfort at their elusive beauty. Sometimes the view is further obscured by the foggy sensation of longing and a certain blind devotion to wanting. And then the "reality" of responsibility kicks in. Positive messages are being whispered all around if you care to quieten down those "realistic" anxieties and pay attention, but it turns out that it is particularly difficult for women to free themselves from these emotions.

"...There's an area of your brain that's assigned the task of negative thinking," says Louann Brizendine, MD, a neuropsychiatrist at the University of California, San Francisco, and the author of The Female Brain. "It's judgmental. It says 'I'm too fat' or 'I'm too old.' It's a barometer of every social interaction you have. It goes on red alert when the feedback you're getting from other people isn't going well." This worrywart part of the brain is the anterior cingulate cortex. In women, it's actually larger and more influential, as is the brain circuitry for observing emotions in others. "The reason we think females have more emotional sensitivity," says Brizendine, "is that we've been built to be immediately responsive to the needs of a nonverbal infant. That can be both a good thing and a bad thing."

I've practiced daily mindfulness for a number of years, but find that the egoic, material obsessed mind possesses a vortex-like undertow that I am still constantly drifting back towards. I know am not alone, as there are always several bestselling books that give advice on how to manage these kinds of thoughts and feelings. But I have discovered that there are others who are searching for the method to living a fully actualized life and that some are leaving articles of faith in ordinary places for others to find.

This morning the medium is also the message. Someone thought to place this note in the packaging to inspire others. Naturally, there had to have been a series of small-scale decisions involved in making this possible; but this too, began as a delicate, airy castle in the sky that someone chose to allow themselves to bestow a foundation upon. Perhaps he was inspired by a similar icon planted by someone else.

The castle is easy to create. The foundation appears as the result of certain degree of faith and plenty of good 'ol sweat. There is a choice that needs to be made directly after conceiving that castle. Let yourself believe.

I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move.
~ The Bible, Matthew 17:20

Waging Peace and Love

What if we taught children to care more about people than about things?

In the west, we do not often practice what we preach on those colourful posters in our children's classrooms. We share when we feel like it -- when it benefits our image or creates a positive buzz; when we have extra we don't really need anyway. We respect others... of similar socioeconomic background or higher. We give up playing fair when a ridiculous profit can be made. We create waste; buy things with hideous packaging and and throw things away we are bored with.

As children grow older they can't help but follow this course. No one wants to get into trouble. No one wants to lose out to others scrambling for supremacy. To not chase the trophy is to roll over and bare your neck to the wolves. The tribe does not respect stragglers and even justifies it if they are lost. We cannot afford to show weakness.

While it is natural to value the best performers, our winners, we do not consider ruthlessness a fault. Look at how we turn our heads to athletes using performance enhancing drugs. Leveling the playing field these days means giving them all drugs! But we talk the talk... we say what we wish were true (and behave to protect our immediate interests). We say that we try. We try soooo hard, it's just that we really need the money right now.

It has become increasingly clear that it is acceptable to step over others to reach the top, for the end usually justifies the means , we are accountable to the shareholders, the institution, our pocketbook, or the faceless company: an entity with a thousand faces and no heart.

Power is corrupting. But what is it? The ability to control others? To purchase any item one desires? To have others look at you and want what you have? To prove that you have more value than others, to prove someone else wrong... We know that we cannot go on like this, that we are polluting our environment and our souls.

What if instead of teaching children to look up at the stars, "aim high and don't look back", we taught them to look down? Look and see the long line of children of the earth holding hands and traveling along... What if we taught them that the most important thing was to look back and make sure everyone was ok.

* * *

I am angry and upset today. It is my birthday tomorrow and I really wanted to have my patio done but it's been delayed. I want it. I've worked hard for it. I deserve it... And then I watched a couple of videos made by care Canada and I felt deeply embarrassed. My rant has been a directed at myself. Forgive me. You are not the problem, I am. And I will change. Right now.

I'm seeing people that need some help. I think we should start with some of the poorest women. Women, says Care Canada are the developing world's most valuable, and most untapped, natural resource.

Why should we focus on women in the developing world? Educate a woman, and you educate her community. For each extra year of school a girl undertakes, her family income increases up to 20%? Did you know that two-thirds of the people in the world considered "illiterate" are girls and women? (from the Care Canada website)

These videos made by Care Canada will inspire you:




Beautiful.




Amazing.

An oldie but a goodie:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”~ Marianne Williamson

The Bear went over the Mountain -- A Poem

i)
Stretched taut or raveled skein
(darkness or rain)
When I need to appear larger
I look into you

My machinations echo
In your Valhalla Halls
Where stillness aches
A quiet while

Your pontoons a panacea
Upon my body of water
(Lake of Raging Hormones)
I sink like Atlantis

Your apparatus keeps me limber
Your nonchalance a cup
To hold my unfinished dreams
(Or lay them in the sun to dry)

ii)
Like a shadow
Across the floor
Your body's warmth
A bearskin rug before the fire

I burn I burn
I stumble and carouse
I summon demons
And crinkle my nose

Without looking up
(Or losing your place)
An arm snaps out to grip my belt
As I stand sighing at the precipice

You don't click your tongue at me
Or warn, "come away from the edge!"
My dampness soaks through everything
But you never shiver

~Vanessa Turke

Per se, Per se

"I am an artist"

"Like for work?... Like for money?"

It's usually not an adequate description on it's own. The question was, "What do you do?" Not, "How do you pay the bills?" Frankly, I can't decide which is more personal. What I do is not who I am, although the real question was most probably, "Who are you and are you worth getting acquainted with...?"

In the spirit of the question, the answer is perfect (and of course I am worth talking to!) The answer is not only true, tells the questioner something important about me, but furthers the conversation as well. People generally go one of two direction with this information. The way of the income or the way of the subject. Do I paint kitties on velvet? And if this earns me my daily bread -- If painting kitties keeps baby in shoes... well then I must be a reasonably worthy artist or at least pretty good at marketing myself. But alas, I do not paint kitties. A more accurate description of "what I do" on a day to day basis could be: loose sunglasses, eat yams, vacuum lint, Google things, watch squirrels run across the fence, along with countless, varied sundry acts of care and cleanliness... and creation.

Our understanding and appreciation of art can limit this creation at times. Most of us can't produce photo accurate renderings of people, places and things -- and this in itself isn't art (ah, but that's another opinion piece). But that we judge this fact as lack of artistic ability should be a sin. So many people create wherever they go, in their homes, vocations and in their relationships.

I play, I create. What I create is very personal to me. I am pleased if others like what I do, but I do not need them to. I still have an underlying belief that I require the odd purchase of those fruits of my creativity... so I run the razors edge of passion vs. production. I believe that there is bit of an artist in everyone. Just as we all have some "healer", "teacher" and "leader" in us. Not everyone chooses to produce pieces of art, but if we look around, we can see compelling personal expression everywhere. The choice to accept it as "creative" is personal, very much subjective -- and a true leap of acceptance and faith. We put up roadblocks for ourselves; want excellence in order to be beyond reproach. We value something new, different, special -- unique. To me, "creator" is a life path for which I am truly grateful. It is my ultimate joy. But I still put up roadblocks for myself daily. Tearing them down is the only way to make the inspiration flow.

My questioners usually want to know about the end product, but it is when they ask about process that I am captured. Sometimes they want to know about technique or materials. But it's a far more challenging task to describes the trajectory of one's creative thoughts. What is my inspiration? Everything! Everything! (more detailed Blog entry to come) How exactly does an inspiration seed an idea?

Where do ideas come from? The brain? The soul? Perhaps from the great collective unconsciousness -- Spiritus Mundi. Many artists believe that they are only vessels for creation. "The position of the artist is humble. He is essentially a channel," says Piet Mondrian. It is an old teaching. "Creation is only the projection into form of that which already exits," ~ Srimad Bhagavatam. What is now being explored by scientists is whether natural talent exists at all!

"Traditional conceptions of giftedness assume that only talented individuals possess the necessary gifts required to reach the highest levels of performance. [Studies present] an alternative view that expert performance results from acquired cognitive and physiological adaptations due to extended deliberate practice. A review of evidence, such as historical increases in performance, the requirement of years of daily deliberate practice, and structural changes in the mediating mechanisms, questions the existence of individual differences that impose innate limits on performance attainable with deliberate practice. The proposed framework describes how the processes mediating normal development of ability and everyday skill acquisition differ from the extended acquisition of reproducibly superior (expert) performance and how perceived “giftedness” gives children access to superior training resources, resulting in developmental advantages." ~K. Anders Ericsson, Kiruthiga Nandagopal, & Roy W. Roring

Ericsson and Ward have used techniques like this to compare thousands of experts with novices in fields from music, sports, medicine and law enforcement. They've found no evidence that experts are born with any more natural "talent" than other people. "We have yet to find any compelling evidence that any talent matters," says Ericsson.

What matters then is that you practice your art, do what you love and do it often. Practice compassion, do not judge the outcome, and encourage others. What's so great about being bigger, better or more special anyway? It's exactly this kind of separatist, elitist thinking that encourages the competitive and irresponsible practices that are damaging our planet. We will soon have to come up with some very creative solutions for our troubled world. As Einstein says, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." So let's all stop worrying if we can draw straight lines and start creating positive change!

Isn't it just though?

In light of recent events, I've been hearing a lot of comments about the weather. Mostly bad stuff. I think this is mainly because there is no one to appeal to directly for change and but also because there is a certain ingrained tribal behavior involved with complaining and group commiseration. So, while it is a completely just complaint, it is also totally futile... and apparently unhealthy for us as well. (Yep, add it to the list )

Studies have indicated that getting together and complaining to each other about our afflictions and sufferings can lead to depression and anxiety.

"For girls, co-rumination predicted increased positive friendship quality, including feelings of closeness between friends. However, the study also found that girls who co-ruminate had increased depressive and anxiety symptoms, which in turn, contributed to greater co-rumination."

So who knew that co-rumination was so damaging?

A Complaint Free World is a movement started by Pastor Will Bowen. Over 6 million people in more than 80 countries have taken his Complaint Free challenge by wearing purple bracelets to remind themselves to quit whingeing. In his book he explains how forming the simple habit of not complaining can transform your health, relationships, career and life.

There are a lot of resources out there to help you cut back on your complaining... I like the cool practicality of Eckhart Tolle:

“Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up—if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How dare you serve me cold soup…?’ That’s complaining.”—Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth

Or simply..

"If you don't like something change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Don't complain."
—Maya Angelou

June -- the Fairest Daughter of the Year

I was feeling a little melancholic these first days of June, and it wasn't just the weather. I was thinking about Brigitte.

In June 2006 I spent an afternoon by the side of a terminally ill friend just days before she passed away. She hadn't told everyone that her disease was back. I think that she must have been trying to protect some of us, or perhaps couldn't bear to see our reaction. Looking back, there must have been times where she hinted at it, but I guess I wasn't really paying close enough attention. It hadn't fully hit me before I was flying out to Toronto on a red-eye -- arriving very early to a warm and misty spring morning.

It was a Sunday, so the usual Toronto traffic was subdued. I remember walking solemnly out of the airport to catch the public bus to Brigitte's neighborhood. I was told that she would be her best around 10am, so there was some time to pass. Every moment seemed at once surreal and hyper-real. I walked slowly, but the world sped by. The promise of summer was apparent in trees lining the parkway, the potted plants on the steps of the lovely brick houses and even in the air, thick with a soft humidity. It did not seem possible that it could also be a time for endings.

This year marks five years since I was treated for breast cancer. I don't know if I'll ever get it again, but so far the most difficult part for me was watching some of the women I got to know through cancer "events" become sicker and sometimes die. I have felt that there must be something I can do in my own life make up for the promise of theirs, and although I now understand this sentiment as a type of survivors guilt, I still feel like I should live in a way that shows that I appreciate the value of my life.

Cancer had been a trump card for me. I felt that because I'd experienced something "life threatening" I was free to experience life more fully. But mostly I was just in more in a hurry that ever. The destination kept changing. I had been reminded of the final outcome and wondered what could be accomplished before that?

That spring day was a most memorable life altering day -- precious, awkward, painful and peaceful... I remember trying to burn every bit of it into my memory, be present for every second. I remember the sensation of warm patio wood under my feet, the view of the city from the balcony, the sweet fruit flan we barely picked at, tea we sipped and the intense emotion. We spoke casually of little things and then I had some private moments to ask Brigitte candidly about her beliefs and feelings knowing she would be honest with me. I hoped that she would have some wise words for me (and she did, but I didn't hear them for a long time). The conversation left me with even more questions. But I resolved to live my questions as the poet Rainer Maria Rilke suggested. And bit by bit I am beginning to experience my answers.

Afterwards, "Survivorship" lost the intensity of the loud battle cry it once had for me. The idea of living a life fully actualized from moment to moment came into my head. I think it had been seeded by Brigitte. She had been studying to be a yoga instructor during her last year of life.

It's natural to look for meaning in all things. It's natural to have goals. It's preferable to me to be ambitious and driven -- even ruthlessly intent on those dreams. But it's been two years since Brigitte died, and I've changed since then. The experience left me with a radically different outlook on life not only because Brigitte and I had so much in common, but also because of something she said once. “... that we need to appreciate living in the moment and that what is most important in our life are love, friends, family and our health. Our everyday worries and concerns are so small compared to the gift of life and love”.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." from Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

Stealing Home -- A poem

Fish or cut bait,
Push in; Frak fate,
Duck and weave,
Stay or leave,
Decide your lot,
Get off the pot.

Become up sought,
Show up, stay up,
Anti-up, push up,
Crack up, make up,
Fill 'er up, rev 'er up,
Run hot -- don't get caught!

Keep your story straight,
Stay up late,
Stoke the fire within,
Jump in!

"Love doesn't make things nice. It ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. Stars are perfect. Not us, not us. We are here to ruin ourselves, and to break our hearts, and love the wrong people, and die." (~Lonnie to Loretta in Moonstruck)

Modern Omens and Personal Prophesy

Despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, I have not been able to answer... the great question that has never been answered: what does a woman want? ~ Sigmund Freud

Well, shoes for one... The acquisition of a single new pair of fabulous shoes can change the course of a day. This can seem fairly ridiculous until you swap the shoes for something that has strong personal meaning for you. Whatever you subconsciously assign with the power to affect your mood and therefore your actions, is profoundly sacred.

We all have a personal mythology that makes certain beasts, objects and archetypes special to us. When we are young they can be favorite animals, colours or symbols (Rainbows and Unicorns baby!) Certain items and particular ways of doing things continue to be inexplicably more special and therefore more "powerful" for us. Collectors fill their houses with statuettes on a theme because it makes them happy. Is a sports fanatic so different from a pot-bellied pig fancier? Athletes have intricate rituals that the believe help them play better. Artist's have elaborate routines to get them into the creative zone. So how does this practice go from perceived as being a cute game, to vaguely superstitious crutch to problem obsession? I've created a chart...


Cute

• Having to have the right game piece (shoe, top hat, race car, etc.)
• Drawing endless lightning bolts or swirly vines.
• Eating the M&Ms in a certain order.
• Walking around particular cracks on the sidewalk.
• Playing a special song before a date.
• Wearing underwear with a slightly more powerful blend of cotton.

Superstitious

• Wearing the special underwear for a first date.
• Playing a special song before a job interview.
• Locking the doors and windows in a particular order.
• Playing the same loto numbers every week

Obsessive

• Eating the green M&Ms to ward off alien attack.
• Wearing the special underwear everyday for its magical protective powers.
• Playing the magic song 24 hours a day.
• Checking the locks, rechecking the locks, rechecking the locks...

In our modern world, we can giggle at these above and assume that practices such as the avoidance of inauspicious days and believing in illnesses caused by transgressions against taboos can be signs of mental illness. Perhaps they are merely a revival of the most ancient mystery religions which urged practitioners to "know thyself". The Ancient Roman's themselves employed two distinct types of professional omen readers. Augurs interpreted the flights of birds, while haruspices employed animal sacrifice to obtain the entrails necessary for divination -- and these people had running water and toilets for goodness sake!

A subtle personal mythology perceived with a grain of salt can be a comforting way to navigating the daily stressors and pitfalls of modern life... (or to inspire a new decorating theme) Believers say that the resistance a modern mind puts up to these ideas is merely interference from the rational egoic mind; and that these blocks must be pulled down to enhance the ability to truly channel higher wisdom in relation to future events. Divination then becomes a means of gaining self-knowledge and a deeper understanding of the hidden causes behind appearances. And a very creative way to influence your future.

What are you obsessing about today?

Utopia is Drupal

And once again in English...

Utopian society is often characterized as egalitarian distribution of goods in a society that is striving toward perfection. Citizens work on pursuits that are both enjoyable and contribute to the common good. This ideally leaves the citizens with more time for the cultivation arts, culture and sciences (and of course, Facebook).

Drupal?

Drupal is a free, open source content management system that allows an individual or a community of users to easily publish, manage and organize a wide variety of content on a website. With it you can build a powerful, flexible website with a feature-rich, database-driven site with little knowledge of programming.

Last weekend I attended Drupal Camp Vancouver (dcv08); on purpose. I say this because I was hesitant, afraid there might be a skill testing question at the door. Classified as a neophyte because I'm still unclear about what a "node" is. I mostly don't get the in-jokes even though I really dig Darth Vader. But I'm drawn to this community.

Originally written by Belgian student Dries Buytaert as a bulletin board system, Drupal became an open source project in 2001. The purpose was to enable others to use and extend the experimentation platform so that more people could explore new paths for development. Web development companies use this system free of charge and then contribute new modules for future users. It is getting so popular that BusinessWeek included Dries on their list of top 30-and-under innovators for 2008. The curious name came about when Dries made a typo trying to aquire Dorp.org (Dorp is the Dutch word for 'village') The name Drupal, pronounced "droo-puhl," derives from the English pronunciation of the Dutch word "druppel," which means "drop."Drupal has a worldwide community made up of of users and developers. All you have to do is believe... I've been marveling for days at what a nice group of folks I met at the Vancouver Drupal Camp. I was particularly impressed at the community spirit and great sense of "togetherness" that was apparent throughout. Competing web development companies came together and shared.

"Open-source communities work best when its members jump in and help out..." says the Drupal Community website, "Please contribute your knowledge back to the community... edit existing handbook pages -- to fix typos, to clarify confusing sentences, or to move pages around in the hierarchy support the Drupal project, even if you are a beginner. In fact, beginners have a distinct advantage over the experts, because they can more easily spot the places where documentation is lacking...Even the most gifted Drupal developers were new once, and chances are someone has helped you at some point along the way. "

Wow. Now I really feel welcome. No longer trying to hide the awkward incompetently incompetent stage that I'm in... I'm actually feeling wanted... participating in discussions and winning door prizes... warm fuzzies... good sandwiches... mmm.

In fact, at the end of a long day full of informative and challenging sessions, many of these good people volunteered their time to help build out the Fearless City website -- a project to facilitate community participation in the creation of media and community dialogue on issues relevant to people in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver.

Clearing your plate while shopping for dinner

In the wake of recent events, and as a global citizen, it was necessary that I eventually bring up the triad of dairy department scourges; light cheese, past date whipped cream and yogurt made with sugar substitute. All of these things are occasionally brought home by mistake if one is not paying attention. But the true question is: where is our attention wandering off to anyway? Most likely floating around in a mental list of "to dos" and "should ofs".

Because it is human nature to keep loop of ones achievements, afflictions and sufferings running through one's mind at all times, it's a nice exercise (if not an utter relief) to step back from your chattering mind for a short time. Make friends with the red light -- you're going to have to sit there anyway. Use those few moments to breathe deeply and let your body relax into the seat.

Deepak Chopra says that we have 50-60,000 thoughts a day and that 90% of them are negative. I don't know how "they" measured this, but it does seem likely that a great majority of these thoughts are connected to the pressure we put on ourselves to have a "productive day". Daily errands are a great way to practice mindfulness on the go and give your soul a break from all that drama and judgment thrust upon it.

One rather entertaining way is to shop like you're from another planet. It doesn't take any longer than usual to examine the texture of the radicchio before you buy it, or make a pact to smile widely at every person you make eye contact with. Move swiftly through the store but open up your peripheral vision and notice the colours around you. Try not to mentally name what you see, but simply let it pass by and acknowledge the life and vitality bustling all around you.

Don't wait for it; this is life and it's a miracle.

***

Empty your mind of all thoughts.
Let your heart be at peace.
Watch the turmoil of beings,
but contemplate their return.

Each separate being in the universe
returns to the common source.
Returning to the source is serenity.

~ from the 16th verse of the Tao Te Ching