The Bear went over the Mountain -- A Poem

i)
Stretched taut or raveled skein
(darkness or rain)
When I need to appear larger
I look into you

My machinations echo
In your Valhalla Halls
Where stillness aches
A quiet while

Your pontoons a panacea
Upon my body of water
(Lake of Raging Hormones)
I sink like Atlantis

Your apparatus keeps me limber
Your nonchalance a cup
To hold my unfinished dreams
(Or lay them in the sun to dry)

ii)
Like a shadow
Across the floor
Your body's warmth
A bearskin rug before the fire

I burn I burn
I stumble and carouse
I summon demons
And crinkle my nose

Without looking up
(Or losing your place)
An arm snaps out to grip my belt
As I stand sighing at the precipice

You don't click your tongue at me
Or warn, "come away from the edge!"
My dampness soaks through everything
But you never shiver

~Vanessa Turke

Per se, Per se

"I am an artist"

"Like for work?... Like for money?"

It's usually not an adequate description on it's own. The question was, "What do you do?" Not, "How do you pay the bills?" Frankly, I can't decide which is more personal. What I do is not who I am, although the real question was most probably, "Who are you and are you worth getting acquainted with...?"

In the spirit of the question, the answer is perfect (and of course I am worth talking to!) The answer is not only true, tells the questioner something important about me, but furthers the conversation as well. People generally go one of two direction with this information. The way of the income or the way of the subject. Do I paint kitties on velvet? And if this earns me my daily bread -- If painting kitties keeps baby in shoes... well then I must be a reasonably worthy artist or at least pretty good at marketing myself. But alas, I do not paint kitties. A more accurate description of "what I do" on a day to day basis could be: loose sunglasses, eat yams, vacuum lint, Google things, watch squirrels run across the fence, along with countless, varied sundry acts of care and cleanliness... and creation.

Our understanding and appreciation of art can limit this creation at times. Most of us can't produce photo accurate renderings of people, places and things -- and this in itself isn't art (ah, but that's another opinion piece). But that we judge this fact as lack of artistic ability should be a sin. So many people create wherever they go, in their homes, vocations and in their relationships.

I play, I create. What I create is very personal to me. I am pleased if others like what I do, but I do not need them to. I still have an underlying belief that I require the odd purchase of those fruits of my creativity... so I run the razors edge of passion vs. production. I believe that there is bit of an artist in everyone. Just as we all have some "healer", "teacher" and "leader" in us. Not everyone chooses to produce pieces of art, but if we look around, we can see compelling personal expression everywhere. The choice to accept it as "creative" is personal, very much subjective -- and a true leap of acceptance and faith. We put up roadblocks for ourselves; want excellence in order to be beyond reproach. We value something new, different, special -- unique. To me, "creator" is a life path for which I am truly grateful. It is my ultimate joy. But I still put up roadblocks for myself daily. Tearing them down is the only way to make the inspiration flow.

My questioners usually want to know about the end product, but it is when they ask about process that I am captured. Sometimes they want to know about technique or materials. But it's a far more challenging task to describes the trajectory of one's creative thoughts. What is my inspiration? Everything! Everything! (more detailed Blog entry to come) How exactly does an inspiration seed an idea?

Where do ideas come from? The brain? The soul? Perhaps from the great collective unconsciousness -- Spiritus Mundi. Many artists believe that they are only vessels for creation. "The position of the artist is humble. He is essentially a channel," says Piet Mondrian. It is an old teaching. "Creation is only the projection into form of that which already exits," ~ Srimad Bhagavatam. What is now being explored by scientists is whether natural talent exists at all!

"Traditional conceptions of giftedness assume that only talented individuals possess the necessary gifts required to reach the highest levels of performance. [Studies present] an alternative view that expert performance results from acquired cognitive and physiological adaptations due to extended deliberate practice. A review of evidence, such as historical increases in performance, the requirement of years of daily deliberate practice, and structural changes in the mediating mechanisms, questions the existence of individual differences that impose innate limits on performance attainable with deliberate practice. The proposed framework describes how the processes mediating normal development of ability and everyday skill acquisition differ from the extended acquisition of reproducibly superior (expert) performance and how perceived “giftedness” gives children access to superior training resources, resulting in developmental advantages." ~K. Anders Ericsson, Kiruthiga Nandagopal, & Roy W. Roring

Ericsson and Ward have used techniques like this to compare thousands of experts with novices in fields from music, sports, medicine and law enforcement. They've found no evidence that experts are born with any more natural "talent" than other people. "We have yet to find any compelling evidence that any talent matters," says Ericsson.

What matters then is that you practice your art, do what you love and do it often. Practice compassion, do not judge the outcome, and encourage others. What's so great about being bigger, better or more special anyway? It's exactly this kind of separatist, elitist thinking that encourages the competitive and irresponsible practices that are damaging our planet. We will soon have to come up with some very creative solutions for our troubled world. As Einstein says, "We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." So let's all stop worrying if we can draw straight lines and start creating positive change!

Isn't it just though?

In light of recent events, I've been hearing a lot of comments about the weather. Mostly bad stuff. I think this is mainly because there is no one to appeal to directly for change and but also because there is a certain ingrained tribal behavior involved with complaining and group commiseration. So, while it is a completely just complaint, it is also totally futile... and apparently unhealthy for us as well. (Yep, add it to the list )

Studies have indicated that getting together and complaining to each other about our afflictions and sufferings can lead to depression and anxiety.

"For girls, co-rumination predicted increased positive friendship quality, including feelings of closeness between friends. However, the study also found that girls who co-ruminate had increased depressive and anxiety symptoms, which in turn, contributed to greater co-rumination."

So who knew that co-rumination was so damaging?

A Complaint Free World is a movement started by Pastor Will Bowen. Over 6 million people in more than 80 countries have taken his Complaint Free challenge by wearing purple bracelets to remind themselves to quit whingeing. In his book he explains how forming the simple habit of not complaining can transform your health, relationships, career and life.

There are a lot of resources out there to help you cut back on your complaining... I like the cool practicality of Eckhart Tolle:

“Complaining is not to be confused with informing someone of a mistake or deficiency so that it can be put right. And to refrain from complaining doesn’t necessarily mean putting up with bad quality or behavior. There is no ego in telling the waiter your soup is cold and needs to be heated up—if you stick to the facts, which are always neutral. ‘How dare you serve me cold soup…?’ That’s complaining.”—Eckhart Tolle, “A New Earth

Or simply..

"If you don't like something change it.
If you can't change it, change your attitude.
Don't complain."
—Maya Angelou

June -- the Fairest Daughter of the Year

I was feeling a little melancholic these first days of June, and it wasn't just the weather. I was thinking about Brigitte.

In June 2006 I spent an afternoon by the side of a terminally ill friend just days before she passed away. She hadn't told everyone that her disease was back. I think that she must have been trying to protect some of us, or perhaps couldn't bear to see our reaction. Looking back, there must have been times where she hinted at it, but I guess I wasn't really paying close enough attention. It hadn't fully hit me before I was flying out to Toronto on a red-eye -- arriving very early to a warm and misty spring morning.

It was a Sunday, so the usual Toronto traffic was subdued. I remember walking solemnly out of the airport to catch the public bus to Brigitte's neighborhood. I was told that she would be her best around 10am, so there was some time to pass. Every moment seemed at once surreal and hyper-real. I walked slowly, but the world sped by. The promise of summer was apparent in trees lining the parkway, the potted plants on the steps of the lovely brick houses and even in the air, thick with a soft humidity. It did not seem possible that it could also be a time for endings.

This year marks five years since I was treated for breast cancer. I don't know if I'll ever get it again, but so far the most difficult part for me was watching some of the women I got to know through cancer "events" become sicker and sometimes die. I have felt that there must be something I can do in my own life make up for the promise of theirs, and although I now understand this sentiment as a type of survivors guilt, I still feel like I should live in a way that shows that I appreciate the value of my life.

Cancer had been a trump card for me. I felt that because I'd experienced something "life threatening" I was free to experience life more fully. But mostly I was just in more in a hurry that ever. The destination kept changing. I had been reminded of the final outcome and wondered what could be accomplished before that?

That spring day was a most memorable life altering day -- precious, awkward, painful and peaceful... I remember trying to burn every bit of it into my memory, be present for every second. I remember the sensation of warm patio wood under my feet, the view of the city from the balcony, the sweet fruit flan we barely picked at, tea we sipped and the intense emotion. We spoke casually of little things and then I had some private moments to ask Brigitte candidly about her beliefs and feelings knowing she would be honest with me. I hoped that she would have some wise words for me (and she did, but I didn't hear them for a long time). The conversation left me with even more questions. But I resolved to live my questions as the poet Rainer Maria Rilke suggested. And bit by bit I am beginning to experience my answers.

Afterwards, "Survivorship" lost the intensity of the loud battle cry it once had for me. The idea of living a life fully actualized from moment to moment came into my head. I think it had been seeded by Brigitte. She had been studying to be a yoga instructor during her last year of life.

It's natural to look for meaning in all things. It's natural to have goals. It's preferable to me to be ambitious and driven -- even ruthlessly intent on those dreams. But it's been two years since Brigitte died, and I've changed since then. The experience left me with a radically different outlook on life not only because Brigitte and I had so much in common, but also because of something she said once. “... that we need to appreciate living in the moment and that what is most important in our life are love, friends, family and our health. Our everyday worries and concerns are so small compared to the gift of life and love”.

“Have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day." from Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

Stealing Home -- A poem

Fish or cut bait,
Push in; Frak fate,
Duck and weave,
Stay or leave,
Decide your lot,
Get off the pot.

Become up sought,
Show up, stay up,
Anti-up, push up,
Crack up, make up,
Fill 'er up, rev 'er up,
Run hot -- don't get caught!

Keep your story straight,
Stay up late,
Stoke the fire within,
Jump in!

"Love doesn't make things nice. It ruins everything. It breaks your heart. It makes things a mess. We aren't here to make things perfect. Snowflakes are perfect. Stars are perfect. Not us, not us. We are here to ruin ourselves, and to break our hearts, and love the wrong people, and die." (~Lonnie to Loretta in Moonstruck)