Studio V has moved!

I created a new site in Drupal with a blog that I will update once in a while... = )

http://www.vanessaturke.net/

~Vanessa

One Degree of Change Sustained...

The definition of sustainable development is , "development that "meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs." ~ From Wikipedia

For the first time I can remember, the lower-mainland dump towers over the farmland and trees surrounding it, glowing eerily at night and constantly surrounded by masses of swirling gulls. For the third year in a row I have remarked on the precise moment I could see the tiniest evidence of spring bursting out and mindfully marked the acceleration of green around me. I know I create waste and I know I reuse and recycle. But I'd like to do more good - I'd like to be a strong advocate for people, the earth and truly sustainable technology. I had no trouble thinking up clever plans and dove right in, but quickly found myself overwhelmed by the amount of things that needed changing (and how expensive this can be)!

This April, Earth Day weighed heavily on my mind. As my connection to the earth strengthens through my interest in gardening, and my connection to my community becomes enriched through relationships with those around me, I feel more and more inspired to live a more responsible, greener life to be able to preserve the planet for generations to come. I have already been making simple changes in my life to reflect this, but as always felt that I should "do it right" if I was going to go that direction so that I could make a measurable difference.

William Bridges, a leading expert on transition says that changes are a normal part of life, that they are supposed to be uncomfortable, and that you can learn to use the process as a springboard to making your life better than before. Usually a feeling of frustration and disenchantment lead up to the desire for change, but that doesn't mean it's easy to move on to something better.

Bridges says that, "Genuine beginnings begin within us, even when they are brought to our attention by external opportunities." But that doesn't mean we can't use a little help from our friends. I know now that I try to do too much on my own, feeling reluctant to ask others for support for "my issue". It delights me how my thoughts and feelings, once expressed to kindred spirits, meet with not only a soft place to land but so often also an army of like-minded sentiment. It not only takes a village, it makes many many villages.

My village of like-minded moms has helped me countless times with stories concerning similar hopes and fears... inspiring moments that raise my spirits or simple advice for practical, yet inspired living. It is true that one degree of change seems too small to make an impact but over a long distance, one degree changes one's course quite noticeably. Deciding to make a change in your life (like to live more sustainably) does not have to turn your life upside down. There are very small changes you can make that will barely be noticeable and will begin to exercise that "green muscle" until before you know it you are able to take on greater and greater challenges. In my own life, the comparison I like is to one of those long wide turns in my car where I've indicated and the blinker never turns off after the turn. The curve was too subtle. True change needs time to integrate into place. You can make the decision and find yourself taking years to put small actions into place so that they can become positive habits.

Bellow you will find a list of small actions provided by a lovely group of intelligent, successful women (who care about doing the right thing by their children) that can begin to exercise those "green muscles":

✰ Keep fabric grocery bags in your car (or a few spares in case you forget your stash)
✰ If you collect compost but get to lazy to take it out (easy in our rainy climate) dump your compost into a plastic grocery bag and put it into the freezer – then put it in the compost when you are feeling up to it (better than not composting at all). OR if you do not have space for a large outdoor compost then get a worm compost (free kit available from most municipalities) – it is very easy and smell free and you can even keep it indoors
✰ If you make several stops in one shopping complex or plaza park once and walk to your different spots – even if it means crossing the street and walking a block or two.
✰ Pack your kids lunches in re-usable containers. There are many different products that reduce or eliminate lunchbox waste. (bentobox lunch kits make it ways to pack soup, sandwich salad, drinks and snacks with no throw away items – nothing for the trash at all.)
✰ Ease into cloth diapering little by little – it is much much easier than you’d think with the latest diaper “innovations”.
✰ Repurpose household recycling into craft material for kids
✰ Keep egg cartons and use them to grow plants from seed
-use vinegar and water in a hand-spray bottle to combat weeds instead of pesticide (watch out – it kills grass too so spray carefully!)
✰ Collect rainwater for irrigation, you can water plants / garden easily from your rain water barrel and possibly even irrigate your lawn) In Vancouver.
✰ Refrain from watering your grass altogether. It will go yellow and look dead but surprisingly it always comes back
✰ Support local farmers at the farmer’s market – almost every community has one – and shop at your local independent shops, even for just a few key products.
✰ Reusing your plastic bags by keeping a couple in your purse/bag. If I forget my reuseable totes, the reused plastic bags are the next best thing.
✰ Drink tap water again or at least have a caraffe of filtered water in the fridge and a refillable flask to taking with you instead of bottled water.

"As for me, going green was very overwhelming - I felt like I wanted to get rid of everything in my home and start over - and this made me come to standstill! I remember talking to [a friend], and she said 'one thing at a time'. And so it has become a long process, and each year I learn a bit more and make more goals for myself... I started with: cleaning products. So, every time I needed something, I would buy green. Pretty soon, all of the chemicals were gone from my cleaning supplies! Then kids bath/health products. Then my own bath/health products. Then I concentrated on becoming a better recycler. Then it was seeing a naturopath. Which led to eating better and using homeopathic rememedies. Then I decided to cloth diaper [my daughter] at age 14 months. Then came composting. And this year is all about my own organic garden."

"So starting slowly worked for me! Taking one goal at a time and recognizing that it all doesn' t have to change immediately. And there is a snowball effect that happens when you start. As you have more questions, you start to seek the knowledge of others who are also experimenting and figure it out together, sharing tips. And I am still far from being as green as I would like!"
~ Ange, mother of two

We often think in an all or nothing approach when it comes to big changes, but as William Bridges says, "Much as we may wish to make a new beginning, some part of us resists doing so as though we were making the first step toward disaster." Though we feel as though we are losing something - when we acknowledge this feeling as merely a normal defense mechanism and have patience with ourselves, we can keep chipping away at our goal and before we know it, we've come a long way!

In like a Lion, Out like a Lamb: Gentleness and Precision

I am lying in savasana at the end of Yoga class, breathing deeply. This is prime time for bittersweet thoughts, so I'm on guard - releasing tension and gently nudging those work thoughts out of my mind, to dos, scheduling concerns, twinges of regret... Breathing rhythmically, centering myself again. But sometimes I'm up against something more difficult; occasionally the thought is too brutal for a casual brushing aside. One of the strongest is a memory about savasana itself.

I'm sitting with a very ill friend. She is jaundiced and puffy and I am stumbling though small talk to get over those first moments of seeing her appearance so different than at our last meeting. Slowly we relax a bit and discuss her experience with yoga teacher training during her last months. I offer my insight as to the most relaxing pose... savasana of course... only I call it by it's other name - corpse pose. I say, "I love 'corpse pose'" to my friend who is at deaths door. The room goes silent (well except for the elephant of course). I feel like I'm going to throw up. But I don't. I don't say or do anything except look at the floor for about 4 minutes and resist the urge to run away.

Pema Chodron talks about cultivating precision, gentleness and the ability to let go in meditation practice. It's been almost three years since I said something potentially hurtful to a friend, and I think I might be ready to let go soon.

Along with the juiciness of life come fits of emotional thinking. Not always in the Victorian-lady-hysterically-fainting-on-the-couch way, but in the infectious wash it colours a whole day's worth of thoughts a shade darker. When people overwhelmed with anxiety seek help, they are often taught to examine their thoughts and intercept any poisonous ones. They do this with a home-made mental filter they create by simply paying attention for certain illogical thoughts they may have in reaction to daily events.

Here are examples:
FACT: A friend passes by on the street and doesn't speak to you.
THOUGHT: She/he must be mad at me for something.
FEELING: Anger or frustration.

FACT: The big sales deal you were working on doesn't go though.
THOUGHT: I am a failure.
FEELING: Depressed and dejected.

It is widely accepted that humans function emotionally by processing a fact from our lives by applying a judgment to it and then experiencing an emotion we attach to the judgment. Note that the feelings come directly from the thought, not from the fact. We have little or no control over most facts in our lives yet almost total control over our reactions to them. You always have some degree of choice - and the more you practice separating out the facts from the thoughts and feelings, the better you become at letting things go and feeling, conversely, more in control of your life.

This practice also takes precision and gentleness. Gentleness with yourself as you patiently pursue every stray thought for some kind of unhealthy pattern; precision as you take note of particular distorted thoughts you are prone to. There is a long list of negative thinking patterns, and chances are you use a few of them on a daily basis. Habitually disqualifying the positive, thinking in black and white or over-personalizing events are just a few examples. You can find a complete list at the UBC Leap Site.

When you begin to examine the thought patterns you generate on a daily basis, you can begin to modify them as needed to create a better state of mind, transitioning from doubt and negativity in sensitive areas of your life to an optimistic (or at least a neutral) outlook.

{As my favorite horoscope line of all time goes, "stop sticking carrots in your eye you silly bunny."}

Terra Incognita - The Physics of The Quest

"What is it about the American obsession with productivity and responsibility that makes it so difficult for us to allow ourselves a little time to solve the puzzle of our own lives, before it’s too late?" ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

I've been seriously re-examining my life's motivation.

While this sounds very grand and epic, I must admit that I'm not actually ruminating very deeply on my actual "end goal", the proverbial sum total of my life, but rather how I choose to live every bland little moment in-between now and... then.

I'm wondering about what makes me choose to add a particular task to my list - and what makes me execute some of these internal commands in such a brutal fashion? I do work that I love in an environment where we are encouraged to prioritize, reorganize, set goals and work harder & smarter. Is this cruel or unusual? No, not at all. It is natural and admirable. Yet it's in the acting out this task oriented diligence that I'm finding a metal roughness that seems cold and stifling.

During the "Coping Digitally" session at the Northern Voice conference at UBC last weekend, Todd Maffin quipped that above all, society values busyness. I can't agree more. As long as we strive, as long as we dive headlong into our work we can convince ourselves that we are quickly approaching that illusive and infuriating "successful life". It's a delicious combination of harried, almost guilt-free, martyrdom and denial. Yet there is always that niggling feeling that something is still missing, if only there was more efficiency, more discipline, more time.

Sometimes when I encounter people who are tremendously inspiring to others in their field, I wonder how they maintain balance. I often assume that these high octane people driven to excel and accomplish feel as though they have something to prove, that they are accomodating for some perceived short-coming. I have met successful people that were work-acholics, alcoholics or just plain overly self absorbed. But then there are those rare few who seem to be "unencumbered" by pressures of any sort. I feel envy of when encountering either type, but there is a certain amount of satisfaction to be felt when meeting the first type of power-person. Sure they are at the top of their game, but are they happy? Ha! That nice holier than thou sensation is pretty warm and fuzzy... The second kind maintains a cool, casual respectibility whilst pulling off regular feats of utter brilliance (effortlessly?) not seeming to care a flying fig about the opinions of others. This begs the question of whether it truly matters if you are motivated by fear (pushed) or by love (pull). Does the emotion we evoke as we create our lives colour the outcome?

I don't know the scientific answer, but I do know that when I let go and let myself feel the ridiculous utter joy of every silly insignificant moment and trust, simply trust that all is unfolding as it should be, I feel as close to my best self as I have ever have. When I collect a whole day's worth of these silly little moments in my thoughts, they suddenly feel very ripe and profound and I feel wholly grateful for each of them.

In the world of artists, creativity and self imposed suffering have gone hand in hand for centuries. In an entertaining TED speech, author Elizabeth Gilbert explains in how artistry has not always led to anguish talking about how creative people might manage the emotional risk of the creative process not always going as they had planned.



I wonder if we are finally getting a faint whiff, the barest pheromone of an idea that things could be different for us. Different, and yet somehow familiar. (Like maybe this has all happened before and will all happen again?) I'm seeing more articles in mainstream magazines about how to balance our lives. People are interested in how to live self-actualized lives.

Perhaps it is time to take the ego out of the equation entirely, instead of anxiously chasing potential achievements, to begin focusing on living each moment in an infinite rally of inspiration. The cognitive equivalent of truly accepting and loving the one (thought/action) you are with.

Non Sequitur

For 2009, I'm working on being humble. This is not going to be a phase of subtle false modesty, "...what this old thing?". No, this time, I'd like to break my addiction to seeking praise and acclaim completely - become independent of the good opinion of others. I want to do what I need to do without being afraid that it just won't cut it. I don't want to simply repeat the mantra that I am enough just as I am, I want to experience this truth live itself out through my actions.

At first, I held this intention purely in my head, letting myself serve some whatever purpose naturally presented itself. I felt a little like I was floating on air - I felt serene. I imagined myself as some kind of Saint Thérèse, embracing the simplicity of the "Little Way". Ya Cool. I was on my way to expressing the greatest humbleness EVER!!

Then, quite suddenly, I started to feel an awkward subservience to those around me... Why didn't they notice and remark about how fantastically humble I had become!?!? Yep. Back to square one.

If you canvased the kids in my daughter's grade two class about what they wanted to be when they grow up, most of the girls would declare that the life of a pop star was in their future, and a majority of the boys would report upcoming careers in the NHL. These things represent the epitome of success to them. Celebrities must be so defined because they are the Best, and being the Best means never having to say your sorry. The end justifies the means. And if you are the Best you can be a nasty piece of work and everyone can't help loving you anyway - you are a legend.

Even as adults we dream of being the Best. Why do we feel encouraged to set our expectations ever higher, often leading to feelings of inadequacy? While there seems to be nothing spiritually wrong with a regression toward mediocrity, it's just not something that we tend to aspire to. Despite dreams of sky rocketing, most of us eventually drift into something sensible and continue go with the flow. But secretly, we wonder... what would it be like to be on top of the world?

Over the holidays I began, once again, to read the Tao Te Ching; a 2500 year old spiritual text written by Chinese philosopher Lao Tse. This spiritual adept is regarded alternately as a legitimate historical figure from 4th century BC, a mere mythical character, or a Taoist God.

"Taoism" can be a philosophical school based on the texts of the Tao Te Ching; or "Religious Taoism" which includes a the Chinese folk religion. The texts are written in an antiquated form of Chinese that is difficult to translate, so there are a lot of varying interpretations centering around the Tao's main concepts of compassion, moderation, and humility. Taoist theology emphasizes ideas such as naturalness, vitality, peace, "effortless action", emptiness, detachment, the strength of softness (or flexibility), receptiveness, spontaneity, and the relativism of human ways of acting of speaking.

Verse 13 in particular has been on my mind, and I've been re-reading it in a few different translations. I had trouble choosing which one to quote here, but settled on a modern version by Archie J. Bahm, Frederick Ungar Publishing, (1958).

"Pride and shame cause us much fearful anxiety. But our inner peace and distress should be our primary concerns.

"Why do pride and shame cause us so much fearful anxiety? Because: Pride attaches undue importance to the superiority of one's status in the eyes of others; And shame is fear of humiliation at one's inferior status in the estimation of others. When one sets his heart on being highly esteemed, and achieves such rating, then he is automatically involved in fear of losing his status. Then protection of his status appears to be his most important need. And humiliation seems the worst of all evils. This is the reason why pride and shames cause us so much fearful anxiety.

"Why should our inner peace and distress be our primary concerns? Because: The inner self is our true self; so in order to realize our true self, we must be willing to live without being dependent upon the opinions of others. When we are completely self-sufficient, then we can have no fear of disesteem.

"He who wisely devotes himself to being self-sufficient, and therefore does not depend for his happiness upon external ratings by others, is the one best able to set an example for, and to teach and govern, others."

I'm always surprised (though I shouldn't be I guess) when I hear an artist, actor or musician I admire say that they don't really feel "cool enough", or when they wonder out loud if they will ever do anything that they will be truly proud of. It shocks me a little, yet also makes me feel better about those same feelings I struggle with.

"Hard to be soft, tough to be tender." Here's a wonderful interview with Emily Haines of Metric.